(There are so many that only a few are mentioned here.)
She sat patiently at first and then not so patiently as was evidenced by her tail
swishing back
and forth. "Misty" is a little two-tone gray/apricot, 14-month-old
kitten who was waiting for the fairy to appear. The fairy is a little
spot of light on the floor in the kitchen that reflects from my watch
as I work in the morning sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window.
Misty, of course, is a scientist and her current project is investigating the nature of
the fairy. She pounces upon it when she can see it - and is mystified when it
disappears. But some mornings, like the one when she was waiting, are frustrating
her research because there are clouds in the sky and sunlight cannot come through
the window.
Fairy Tradition
Fairies or their kin have traditionally been known as agents creating phenomena when other explanations fail. In the instances which follow, I apologize for any possible insult to any real fairies that either myself or the fairy-minded physicists have inadvertently invoked.
Ever since the Michelson-Morley experiment of 1887, the "particle pushers" of
theoretical physics have apparently been enlisting fairies - and they watch for those
fairies to appear.
Their belief in fairies began when they could not realistically comprehend wave
theory and followed Isaac Newton, who had insisted that photons are particles
even though Huygens had a better theory. So the particle pushers now use
fairies as necessary agents of their version of certain phenomena that cannot be explained
otherwise. Remember the little guy who turns on the light in your refrigerator
when you open it?
The Lacklogic Fairy
When the particle pushers had set their sights on the notion that there is no medium for light to use as a wave, they gladly pounced upon the MM experiment as proof that ether could not exist. Yet, even in those days the most fundamental courses in logic taught that the apparent absence of something is not proof that it does not exist. So the first fairy that the "particle pushers" created is the "Lacklogic Fairy". The Lacklogic Fairy is invoked more frequently than the other fairies so it is always rather tired from overwork. Yet, it cannot be allowed a vacation because that might cause the collapse of the whole current framework of theoretical physics. Therefore, it must be pitied and given more attention than the other fairies.
Actually, the Lacklogic Fairy was probably first conceived when
physicists decided to attribute their own preconceived qualities to the medium they called
"ether". When the medium failed to conform to their dictates, the
particle pushers decided to invoke the Lacklogic Fairy - which by then had finished its
gestation period and was ready to be born.
The Photon Cavalry
The invocation of the Lacklogic Fairy, was followed by the full manifestation of the "photon fairies". The photon fairies had been merely dim, misty creations of ectoplasm until the Lacklogic Fairy was able to persuade the gullible that there was no medium for light to use, thus showing light to be particulate in nature. The photon fairies are necessary to be sure that the "photon pollywogs" speed up after moving from a dense medium to a less dense medium (such as from a lens to the air surrounding it). The photon fairies are apparently able to goose or spur the little pollywogs - each of which wiggle at a particular frequency - and thus cause them to accelerate. The photon fairies and the photon pollywogs together are the "photon cavalry".
The photon fairies are responsible for other phenomena regarding
the photon pollywogs. There are a number of so-called paradoxes which they create,
such as the entanglement of photon pollywogs to create instantaneous reaction at a
distance, proved by the EPR experiment (Einstein, Podolsky, and Rosen - 1935 - confirmed in
1980).
Axion Pollywogs
Another pollywog similar to the photon pollywogs is the "axion pollywog" which has not yet been discovered but only theorized. Apparently, when a photon pollywog moves through a strong magnetic field, it can change into an axion pollywog. When leaving the magnetic field, it can turn back into a photon pollywog.
Apparently, the photon pollywogs are theoretically able to change the rate that their
tails vibrate (most animals can) when they enter a magnetic field. Perhaps the
field excites them. There is also speculation that there are other axion-like
pollywogs which have not yet been discovered. This would mean that the photon
fairies are even better riders than we imagined as they probably are the ones to make
the pollywogs change their rate of tail vibration - and perhaps other types of fairies
similar to the photon fairies exist for the axion-like pollywogs.
The Special Relativity Fairy
Einstein created the Special Relativity Fairy (SR Fairy) to fix the "twin paradox" in his
theory of Special Relativity. The SR Fairy allows a twin moving near lightspeed
to age less than a twin which is not moving very fast at all - so sometimes people call
the SR Fairy the Fountain of Youth. The SR Fairy diverts peoples' minds so that
they will not ask the question:
"Since things are supposed to be relative to one another, why is the twin of lesser
apparent motion not considered the one who is moving faster while the other twin moves more
slowly?" The SR Fairy along with the Lacklogic Fairy also prevents people from
asking about the problem of rotary motion as opposed to linear motion in Einstein's theory.
"If all is relative, why cannot the spinning object be stationary while the universe
spins around it?
The Spacetime Fairy
Einstein's Spacetime Fairy (ST Fairy) actually joins space and time together in a membrane
called the "spacetime trampoline" without any real logic for having done so - which means
that the Lacklogic Fairy is not even needed.
The Leadenrear Fairies
The most wonderful fairies that Einstein created were the "leadenrear fairies"
that are so heavy that when they sit upon the spacetime trampoline, they create depressions
leading to the phenomenon we call "gravity" - because we roll toward the low spots on that
trampoline and sometimes bounce.
The Graviton Fairies
Those who created the "graviton fairies" do not believe in the leadenrear fairies. These physicists are too sophisticated to think that the spacetime trampoline exists. Furthermore, these love children of physics are more comfortable in to believing in the purveyors of Universal Love.
The graviton fairies are the keys to Universal Love because each little graviton fairy wants everything to come together. Each graviton fairy is very beautiful and has little wings which beat the cosmos like hummingbirds beat air - so that they can exert enough energy to push one subatomic particle toward another. Each has antennae which telepathically sense the love coming from the other graviton fairies and broadcast love to the other graviton fairies - using the inverse square law, of course.
The result is that every material thing seems to attempt to move toward every other material
thing. Sometimes, this results in little tugs of "war" between graviton fairies, and
sometimes causes mayhem when something hits something else - but the tugs are love taps from
graviton fairies and the mayhem is just rearrangements of fairies and their particles.
The Electron Fairies
The "electron fairies" were conceived and eventually born as the idea of electron spin was
established. Once again, we have many fairies - and each one
must do its job flawlessly. Each little electron fairy that is at work stays
beside each moving electron and hits it on the side
with a small stick so that
the electron spins at the same rate as every other electron. The electron fairies
are always
busy because they must check to see just how fast the other fairies are making their electrons
spin - and they must follow the moving electron regardless of how quickly or abruptly that
it is moving.
Yet, the electron fairies do not tire as does the Lacklogic Fairy because there
are more of them
than there are electrons and they can spell each other as long as they are fast enough to
trade off without any electron slowing down. Although not yet proven, it is believed
that there is a very stiff penalty imposed upon any electron fairy that allows her electron
to slow its rate of spin. At first, it was believed that there were no more electron
fairies than there were electrons, but obviously these fairies would tire too quickly if
there were not second and third teams of them to help out - after all, they must work very hard
to overcome the laws of conservation of momentum and conservation of energy - and for these
two tasks, they must enlist the Lacklogic Fairy as well.
The Great Expansion Fairies
As time passed, the "Expansion Fairy" (E Fairy) was introduced because the universe had
to have something
that made it expand. This fairy lasted for a time, but was replaced with the
"Accelerated Expansion Fairy" (AE Fairy). The AE Fairy took over to make the
universe's expansion
go faster. Both of these fairies are very strong. The E Fairy must overcome
all the gravity in the universe, and the AE Fairy must overcome all the gravity as well as
all the inertia in the universe. However, it appears that the E Fairy has retired and
is now basking in the light and fishing on a cosmic lake from a cosmic rowboat.
The Dark Energy Fairy
There is a possibility that the "Dark Energy Fairy" will soon take over completely
from the AE Fairy,
and then the AE Fairy can retire with the E Fairy and one can steer their rowboat while
the other rows. No one knows which will do what in this regard - maybe they will take
turns.
The Neutrino Fairies
Every time some supposed rotational energy was left over during an interchange of subatomic
entities, the particle pushers invoked the "neutrino fairies.
Because of the elusive nature of neutrinos (no apparent mass, no apparent charge, no
electromagnetic radiation, lightspeed movement, apparent "flavorshifting"), it almost seems
that each is actually a fairy unto itself - unless one accepts the obvious explanation which
would upset the presently accepted framework of physics. Neutrinos come in three
flavors and seem to be able to change from one to another while moving at lightspeed.
The Acceleron Fairies
Neutrinos are supposedly influenced by interactions with accelerons and dark energy supposedly results as the universe tries to pull neutrinos apart "yielding a tension" that fuels expansion of the universe. When neutrinos get too far apart, the acceleration of the universe would stop. Perhaps the best answer to how this can occur is what follows.
There is one "acceleron fairy" assigned to each subatomic particle which it must share
with a smaller graviton fairy. But unlike the
graviton fairies, the acceleron fairies are big, ugly, mean-tempered, and hate the sight of
one another. Each has wings like a graviton fairy, which beat the cosmos and allow
it push its subatomic particle away from other subatomic particles even though the graviton
fairy opposes it.
The acceleron fairies were very busy in the first few microseconds of the
Big Bang (the event that created all the fairies and their material results) and they
caused super-acceleration of the new universe so that they would be unable to see one
another. Once the initial universal expansion was complete, the acceleron fairies
were far enough apart that they could not see one another as well - and they began to
slow further acceleration and effectively turned most further expansion over to the
Great Expansion Fairies.
The God Particle
The four known fundamental forces of the universe might be parts of one master force which, if known, might be the last step in unifying the forces. There were "W" and "Z" particles discovered in 1983 which were very 80 times more massive than a proton. Suppposedly, this was the first step toward unification. Other discoveries seemed to point to a symmetry-breaking field called the Higgs Field and that required a new undiscovered theoretical particle called the Higgs boson which would have a mass far in excess of the W and Z particles. This particle has been called the God Particle because it would supposedly unite all the fundamental forces.
Here we have a divergence from fairies to God as an explanation for the way the universe works. If enough money can be had to make a particle accelerator big enough, one or two God particles might be created.
The Higgs field supposedly imparts mass to all the fundamental particles in the universe.
It is its own anti-particle. Apparently, God uses the Higgs Boson to
place mass into every particle with mass in the universe. But most likely there
are fairies that God employs to work with the Higgs Bosons, each busy stuffing mass
into all those particles.
The Elite Idiot Fairy
Every time a new particle is theorized, the particle pushers create a new great fairy or many numbers of a new type of fairy to make examples of the new particle do the things that it is supposed to do. These fairies need not be authenticated by any authority, so anyone with a degree in theoretical physics can create one. However, this policy did create the "Elite Idiot Fairy" to prevent anyone other than the anointed theoretical physics PhDs from explaining their fairies' antics to the public.
The Elite Idiot Fairy is also extremely useful in keeping certain physics instructors employed at salaries ranging from $100,000 to $200,000 per year. We desperately need these physics instructors so that they can teach our kids to write science fiction.
There are probably an infinite number of particle and fairy types that invoking the Elite
Idiot Fairy can create such as the God-particle and its fairies. Some of the more
ludicrous examples of using the Elite Idiot Fairy follow.
The Gluon Fairies
The "gluon fairies" are able to excrete a very sticky substance which can hold certain
subatomic entities together. A glob of this sticky substance is called a "gluon".
It is theorized that two gluons can mate to create another type of particle,
so perhaps the gluon fairies can be either male or female - or not.
The Great Dark Matter Fairy
The "Great Dark Matter Fairy" (DM Fairy) is like the "Shadow" who can "cloud men's minds".
Just
like Lamont Cranston, this fairy and her product or products are invisible. Dark matter
cannot be found and thus tends to tease the Lacklogic Fairy into play, but it most certainly
exists because most theoretical physicists say so. It is rumored that the Great Dark
Matter Fairy is a ghost and that dark matter is cosmic ectoplasm that was left over when a
lot of anti-matter
was destroyed. This would explain why there appears to be more matter than anti-matter.
The Great Bovine Excremental Fairy
All of this ultimately leads to a the greatest fairy of all, the "Great Bovine Excremental
Fairy", that causes certain theoretical physicists to con the public while maintaining their
dignity as they frolick with their fairies.
Conclusion
Our older cat, a Siamese named "T'Purr", figured out long ago what Misty's fairy is - but
Misty is not yet educated enough to understand T'Purr's explanation. Perhaps most
theoretical physicists are at Misty's mental level ... No, that cannot be true because
Misty has no large ego to bruise, no pet theory to champion, and no job to be in jeopardy
if she accepts a logical theory in lieu of her fairy. Misty merely follows her
scientific curiosity wherever it may lead her - and this puts her at a
much higher intellectual level than the particle pushers, the dark matter manipulators,
the dark energy espousers, and the other fabricated fairies who fear the consequences of real
truth entering the realm of theoretical physics. Isn't it amusing to watch
those who are scrambling so hard to catch a fairy at the end of a beam of light?