(There are so many that only a few are mentioned here.)

(Added to this website on 8/12/09.)

Main Menu

She sat patiently at first and then not so patiently as was evidenced by her tail swishing back and forth.   "Misty" is a little two-tone gray/apricot, 14-month-old kitten who was waiting for the fairy to appear.   The fairy is a little spot of light on the floor in the kitchen that reflects from my watch as I work in the morning sunlight streaming in through the kitchen window.   Misty, of course, is a scientist and her current project is investigating the nature of the fairy.   She pounces upon it when she can see it - and is mystified when it disappears.   But some mornings, like the one when she was waiting, are frustrating her research because there are clouds in the sky and sunlight cannot come through the window.

Fairy Tradition

Fairies or their kin have traditionally been known as agents creating phenomena when other explanations fail.   In the instances which follow, I apologize for any possible insult to any real fairies that either myself or the fairy-minded physicists have inadvertently invoked.

Ever since the Michelson-Morley experiment of 1887, the "particle pushers" of theoretical physics have apparently been enlisting fairies - and they watch for those fairies to appear.   Their belief in fairies began when they could not realistically comprehend wave theory and followed Isaac Newton, who had insisted that photons are particles even though Huygens had a better theory.   So the particle pushers now use fairies as necessary agents of their version of certain phenomena that cannot be explained otherwise.   Remember the little guy who turns on the light in your refrigerator when you open it?

The Lacklogic Fairy

When the particle pushers had set their sights on the notion that there is no medium for light to use as a wave, they gladly pounced upon the MM experiment as proof that ether could not exist.   Yet, even in those days the most fundamental courses in logic taught that the apparent absence of something is not proof that it does not exist.   So the first fairy that the "particle pushers" created is the "Lacklogic Fairy".   The Lacklogic Fairy is invoked more frequently than the other fairies so it is always rather tired from overwork.   Yet, it cannot be allowed a vacation because that might cause the collapse of the whole current framework of theoretical physics.   Therefore, it must be pitied and given more attention than the other fairies.

Actually, the Lacklogic Fairy was probably first conceived when physicists decided to attribute their own preconceived qualities to the medium they called "ether".   When the medium failed to conform to their dictates, the particle pushers decided to invoke the Lacklogic Fairy - which by then had finished its gestation period and was ready to be born.

The Photon Cavalry

The invocation of the Lacklogic Fairy, was followed by the full manifestation of the "photon fairies".   The photon fairies had been merely dim, misty creations of ectoplasm until the Lacklogic Fairy was able to persuade the gullible that there was no medium for light to use, thus showing light to be particulate in nature.   The photon fairies are necessary to be sure that the "photon pollywogs" speed up after moving from a dense medium to a less dense medium (such as from a lens to the air surrounding it).   The photon fairies are apparently able to goose or spur the little pollywogs - each of which wiggle at a particular frequency - and thus cause them to accelerate.   The photon fairies and the photon pollywogs together are the "photon cavalry".


The photon fairies are responsible for other phenomena regarding the photon pollywogs.   There are a number of so-called paradoxes which they create, such as the entanglement of photon pollywogs to create instantaneous reaction at a distance, proved by the EPR experiment (Einstein, Podolsky, and Rosen - 1935 - confirmed in 1980).

Axion Pollywogs

Another pollywog similar to the photon pollywogs is the "axion pollywog" which has not yet been discovered but only theorized.   Apparently, when a photon pollywog moves through a strong magnetic field, it can change into an axion pollywog.   When leaving the magnetic field, it can turn back into a photon pollywog.

Apparently, the photon pollywogs are theoretically able to change the rate that their tails vibrate (most animals can) when they enter a magnetic field.   Perhaps the field excites them.   There is also speculation that there are other axion-like pollywogs which have not yet been discovered.   This would mean that the photon fairies are even better riders than we imagined as they probably are the ones to make the pollywogs change their rate of tail vibration - and perhaps other types of fairies similar to the photon fairies exist for the axion-like pollywogs.

The Special Relativity Fairy

Einstein created the Special Relativity Fairy (SR Fairy) to fix the "twin paradox" in his theory of Special Relativity.   The SR Fairy allows a twin moving near lightspeed to age less than a twin which is not moving very fast at all - so sometimes people call the SR Fairy the Fountain of Youth.   The SR Fairy diverts peoples' minds so that they will not ask the question: "Since things are supposed to be relative to one another, why is the twin of lesser apparent motion not considered the one who is moving faster while the other twin moves more slowly?"   The SR Fairy along with the Lacklogic Fairy also prevents people from asking about the problem of rotary motion as opposed to linear motion in Einstein's theory.   "If all is relative, why cannot the spinning object be stationary while the universe spins around it?

The Spacetime Fairy

Einstein's Spacetime Fairy (ST Fairy) actually joins space and time together in a membrane called the "spacetime trampoline" without any real logic for having done so - which means that the Lacklogic Fairy is not even needed.

The Leadenrear Fairies

The most wonderful fairies that Einstein created were the "leadenrear fairies" that are so heavy that when they sit upon the spacetime trampoline, they create depressions leading to the phenomenon we call "gravity" - because we roll toward the low spots on that trampoline and sometimes bounce.

The Graviton Fairies

Those who created the "graviton fairies" do not believe in the leadenrear fairies.   These physicists are too sophisticated to think that the spacetime trampoline exists.   Furthermore, these love children of physics are more comfortable believing in the purveyors of Universal Love.

The graviton fairies are the keys to Universal Love because each little graviton fairy wants everything to come together.   Each graviton fairy is very beautiful and has little wings which beat the cosmos like hummingbirds beat air - so that they can exert enough energy to push one subatomic particle toward another.   Each has antennae which telepathically sense the love coming from the other graviton fairies and broadcast love to the other graviton fairies - using the inverse square law, of course.

The result is that every material thing seems to attempt to move toward every other material thing.   Sometimes, this results in little tugs of "war" between graviton fairies, and sometimes causes mayhem when something hits something else - but the tugs are love taps from graviton fairies and the mayhem is just rearrangements of fairies and their particles.

The Electron Fairies

The "electron fairies" were conceived and eventually born as the idea of electron spin was established.   Once again, we have many fairies - and each one must do its job flawlessly.   Each little electron fairy that is at work stays beside each moving electron and hits it on the side with a small stick so that the electron spins at the same rate as every other electron.   The electron fairies are always busy because they must check to see just how fast the other fairies are making their electrons spin - and they must follow the moving electron regardless of how quickly or abruptly that it is moving.   Yet, the electron fairies do not tire as does the Lacklogic Fairy because there are more of them than there are electrons and they can spell each other as long as they are fast enough to trade off without any electron slowing down.   Although not yet proven, it is believed that there is a very stiff penalty imposed upon any electron fairy that allows her electron to slow its rate of spin.   At first, it was believed that there were no more electron fairies than there were electrons, but obviously these fairies would tire too quickly if there were not second and third teams of them to help out - after all, they must work very hard to overcome the laws of conservation of momentum and conservation of energy - and for these two tasks, they must enlist the Lacklogic Fairy as well.

The Great Expansion Fairies

As time passed, the "Expansion Fairy" (E Fairy) was introduced because the universe had to have something that made it expand.   This fairy lasted for a time, but was replaced with the "Accelerated Expansion Fairy" (AE Fairy).   The AE Fairy took over to make the universe's expansion go faster.   Both of these fairies are very strong.   The E Fairy must overcome all the gravity in the universe, and the AE Fairy must overcome all the gravity as well as all the inertia in the universe.   However, it appears that the E Fairy has retired and is now basking in the light and fishing on a cosmic lake from a cosmic rowboat.

The Dark Energy Fairy

There is a possibility that the "Dark Energy Fairy" will soon take over completely from the AE Fairy, and then the AE Fairy can retire with the E Fairy and one can steer their rowboat while the other rows.   No one knows which will do what in this regard - maybe they will take turns.

The Neutrino Fairies

Every time some supposed rotational energy was left over during an interchange of subatomic entities, the particle pushers invoked the "neutrino fairies.   Because of the elusive nature of neutrinos (no apparent mass, no apparent charge, no electromagnetic radiation, lightspeed movement, apparent "flavorshifting"), it almost seems that each is actually a fairy unto itself - unless one accepts the obvious explanation which would upset the presently accepted framework of physics.   Neutrinos come in three flavors and seem to be able to change from one to another while moving at lightspeed.

The Acceleron Fairies

Neutrinos are supposedly influenced by interactions with accelerons and dark energy supposedly results as the universe tries to pull neutrinos apart "yielding a tension" that fuels expansion of the universe.   When neutrinos get too far apart, the acceleration of the universe would stop.   Perhaps the best answer to how this can occur is what follows.

There is one "acceleron fairy" assigned to each subatomic particle which it must share with a smaller graviton fairy.   But unlike the graviton fairies, the acceleron fairies are big, ugly, mean-tempered, and hate the sight of one another.   Each has wings like a graviton fairy, which beat the cosmos and allow it push its subatomic particle away from other subatomic particles even though the graviton fairy opposes it.   The acceleron fairies were very busy in the first few microseconds of the Big Bang (the event that created all the fairies and their material results) and they caused super-acceleration of the new universe so that they would be unable to see one another.   Once the initial universal expansion was complete, the acceleron fairies were far enough apart that they could not see one another as well - and they began to slow further acceleration and effectively turned most further expansion over to the Great Expansion Fairies.

The God Particle

The four known fundamental forces of the universe might be parts of one master force which, if known, might be the last step in unifying the forces.   There were "W" and "Z" particles discovered in 1983 which were 80 times more massive than a proton.   Supposedly, this was the first step toward unification.   Other discoveries seemed to point to a symmetry-breaking field called the Higgs Field and that required a new undiscovered theoretical particle called the Higgs boson which would have a mass far in excess of the W and Z particles.   This particle has been called the God Particle because it would supposedly unite all the fundamental forces.

Here we have a divergence from fairies to God as an explanation for the way the universe works.   If enough money can be had to make a particle accelerator big enough, one or two God particles might be created.

The Higgs field supposedly imparts mass to all the fundamental particles in the universe.   It is its own anti-particle.   Apparently, God uses the Higgs Boson to place mass into every particle with mass in the universe.   But most likely there are fairies that God employs to work with the Higgs Bosons, each busy stuffing mass into all those particles.

Lately, some physicists believe that the Higgs has been discovered. However, there is still confusion about that, and one school of thought is that there must be many more kinds of Higgs Bosons to satisfy the needs of the particle physicists.

The Elite Idiot Fairy

Every time a new particle is theorized, the particle pushers create a new great fairy or many numbers of a new type of fairy to make examples of the new particle do the things that it is supposed to do.   These fairies need not be authenticated by any authority, so anyone with a degree in theoretical physics can create one.   However, this policy did create the "Elite Idiot Fairy" to prevent anyone other than the anointed theoretical physics PhDs from explaining their fairies' antics to the public.

The Elite Idiot Fairy is also extremely useful in keeping certain physics instructors employed at salaries ranging from $100,000 to $200,000 per year.   We desperately need these physics instructors so that they can teach our kids to write science fiction.

There are probably an infinite number of particle and fairy types that invoking the Elite Idiot Fairy can create such as the God-particle and its fairies.   Some of the more ludicrous examples of using the Elite Idiot Fairy follow.

The Gluon Fairies

The "gluon fairies" are able to excrete a very sticky substance which can hold certain subatomic entities together.   A glob of this sticky substance is called a "gluon".   It is theorized that two gluons can mate to create another type of particle, so perhaps the gluon fairies can be either male or female - or not.

The Great Dark Matter Fairy

The "Great Dark Matter Fairy" (DM Fairy) is like the "Shadow" who can "cloud men's minds".   Just like Lamont Cranston, this fairy and her product or products are invisible.   Dark matter cannot be found and thus tends to tease the Lacklogic Fairy into play, but it most certainly exists because most theoretical physicists say so.   It is rumored that the Great Dark Matter Fairy is a ghost and that dark matter is cosmic ectoplasm that was left over when a lot of anti-matter was destroyed.   This would explain why there appears to be more matter than anti-matter.

The Wimp

This is the latest fantasy from the particle "physicists" regarding the DM Fairy's methods, and was christened the "WIMP" (weakly interacting massive particle).   Obviously, if it appears that if dark matter constitutes most of the matter in the universe, yet cannot be seen, it must be composed of very shy, non-aggressive little beasts which the DM Fairy can order about as she sees fit.   And she does this by placing them in "halos" outside of the range of normal gravity.   Or, possibly, wimps are so sensitive that they cannot tolerate either leadenrear or graviton fairies, so she keeps her wimps far away from them.

One might hypothesize that a wimp looks a bit like a small tranparent sloth, heavy and slow-moving, so that many of them, even when shoulder to shoulder, cannot compete with the leadenrear or graviton fairies.

The Wimpzilla

My New Scientist published an article by Anil Ananthaswamy on June 17, 2015, with the title WIMPZILLAS: Monster particles from the dawn of time.   Apparently, wimpzillas and their fairies were created within a fraction of a second after the Big Bang.   They took over right after the acceleron fairies had finished their work.

The wimpzillas are huge, about one trillion times heavier than the proton.   They are invisible and can pass right through normal matter.   Since they seem to be alive today, and the universe is almost 14 billion years old, they must be very long lived.   Because they are very large, it is expected that there are fewer of them by far than the number of wimps.   But, like the wimps, they are either extremely docile or very sensitive to the presence of leadenrear or graviton fairies.   So they too can form a halo outside the normal range of gravity.

From the foregoing, the wimpzilla fairies must be real brutes that can push the giant monster particles around.   Probably, there are only the same number of these fairies as the number of the particles, because they live far out from any major galactic population centers and have less rearranging to do.   Just because the particles themselves are long lived, there is no reason to believe that the fairies have equally long lives.   It is possible that these fairies die of heart attacks, strokes, and other diseases that are common among obese fairies.   In over 13 billion years, there must have been shift changes of these fairies.

The wimpzillas are invisible, so the fairies are likely to be invisible as well.   They must see in frequencies other that the one with which we see.   If they did use only our octave of light, they would not be able to see one another (including their own babies) or their own wimpzillas.

It is rumored that the wimpzilla fairies have mated with humans in the past, producing offspring that we now call sumo wrestlers.   Supposedly, those offspring with the most genes from the wimpzilla fairies are the ones who are the largest wrestlers.   This is probably the root of the part of Genesis that mentions that their were giants on the earth.   This is also proof that the ancient aliens, who long ago messed with our genes as is believed by ancient alien theorists, were wimpszilla fairies.

The wimpzillas are among the leading candidates for dark matter, and dark matter is supposed to comprise the major part of the mass of the universe.   This means that the wimpzillas and their fairies must be very closely allied with the God particles and their fairies.   If this is true, there may have been mating between these two species of fairies that produced the archangels.

The Great Bovine Excremental Fairy

All of this ultimately leads to the greatest fairy of all, the "Great Bovine Excremental Fairy", that causes certain theoretical physicists to con the public while maintaining their dignity as they frolick with their fairies.


Our older cat, a Siamese named "T'Purr", figured out long ago what Misty's fairy is - but Misty is not yet educated enough to understand T'Purr's explanation.   Perhaps most theoretical physicists are at Misty's mental level ...   No, that cannot be true because Misty has no large ego to bruise, no pet theory to champion, and no job to be in jeopardy if she accepts a logical theory in lieu of her fairy.   Misty merely follows her scientific curiosity wherever it may lead her - and this puts her at a much higher intellectual level than the particle pushers, the dark matter manipulators, the dark energy espousers, and the other fabricated fairy fellows who fear the consequences of real truth entering the realm of theoretical physics.   Isn't it amusing to watch those who are scrambling so hard to catch a fairy at the end of a beam of light?


"Shhhh. That's the theoretical physicists' new particle uniform.
If you can't see it, you won't be allowed to graduate."


Main Menu